i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Randomize
