He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
