I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
