can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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