38 yer olds are good kisserssss
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
