its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
