Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
