i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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