some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I wish they made helmets for livers.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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