All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Randomize
