I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize