Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
