My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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