like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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