If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My feet surprised me
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
