I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
