You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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