You work out of a Hotel?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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