dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
