you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Less talking, more tequila
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
