The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
