He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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