I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
