his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
