And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
