I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
