Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
