ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
