Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
