matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
