I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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