I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
