saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
