I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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