The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
