whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
