You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
