I'm sorry my penis didn't work
well I can't set my house on fire every night
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
