I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
