I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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