Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
