Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
