atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
