OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
