I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
