Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize