And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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