True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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