Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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