my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
