just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
