the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
