if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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