Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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