He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
