i permit you to call me
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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