She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
