Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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