I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
