Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We left the knife in your bed.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
