In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
