They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
