just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
