I'm jealous of your bromance
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
