I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
