I look better un-naked...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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